Today, a friend and I went to Gamestop to pick up a game he wanted. I ended up buying a 17+ game, and I was prepared to show my license, but he stopped me an said, “I know you’re 18”. He then said, “Man, I’ve pretty much watched you grow up in this store.” A game salesman watched me grow up. FML

There is nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing. The people at the library in my hometown all know me, greet me in the street and ask me how it’s going. I think it’s awesome. There is nothing wrong with being a nerd. It’s awesome.

Today, I was driving home from my friend’s house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML

Man that sucks. I feel your pain. I once found out that after a month of having a huge crush on a guy that he was my cousin. Facepalm forever.

Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she’d spent on magic “healing” crystals and homeopathic “remedies” would’ve just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML

But dude, you were right. A chocolate teapot would have been awesome. 

Today, I went to my 7 year old son’s school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said “she adored me for who and what I am”. I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a “lesbian American.” Wrong. I’m Lebanese-American. FML

Gotta love them kids, man… 

Seriously, when a kid pulls a stunt like this, just laugh. It’s hilarious. These are tough words to pronounce, especially when you’re seven and barely know what at least one of them mean.

Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I’m touching the crotch of a cardboard cut-out of Obama. My parents insist the FBI will see that and I’ll end up in jail. My parents are crazy. FML

Yes sir, your parents are quite the oddballs, also delusional.

(P.S.

I do not recommend using the word “crazy” as an insult. That’s just mean.)

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn’t taking her eyes off my naked body. She said “I’m loving the view. Didn’t you know I’m a lesbian?” FML

That must have been awkward afterwards. Plus, horndog lesbian. I know a lot of lesbians, being an active member of my local LGBT community and they all say this is an annoying stereotype, the reason why other girls might not want to go to the pool with them or something. 

Normal people don’t do that. There is a horror movie about obsessed roommates!

Today, I went to register for college classes with my mom. Upon leaving, my mom confessed to me that she thinks I will get pregnant and drop out before my freshman year is over. FML

Man that sucks. I have no idea why parents have to be so mean. My mum said the same thing and I’m not pregnant yet. I will admit that I only started uni in August, but hey, almost half way there.

If you have a mom like this, don’t let her bring you down.